I realized I have the tendency to start things and stop them. During a pandemic it is definitely a time for the ass kicking Becky to start up again so I have to quiet her and tell her things like “You are doing the best you can.” “Don’t compare the person getting 5 million things done to you.” “If all you do is cook, read and make sure the kids are safe that is enough.”
I am very good at being my own worst critic. No matter what I get done my brain will tell me it isn’t enough. So I realized I had not blogged in awhile so here I go. Why do I write? It brings me comfort to know I may be helping someone. It is a form of meditation and helps to clear out the cobwebs of the truth vs. the false things my brain makes up.
What have I learned during this past 2 weeks about myself? I can survive without many people however I do still depend on many but only truly have a few great lifelong friends who will be there no matter what. Anxiety sucks and until you truly know what it is like to have a brain that rarely shuts up you won’t understand. I am a bit angry at this pandemic it is uncomfortable and sad for soooo many. I read an article about depression and anxiety and it said “For people who thrive on routine to just get them thru the day this is debilitating.” I agree completely. Having just gotten myself on a decent routine the past 4 months after a death in the family it is hard to not really have a routine. I know I can make a new routine and yes I am trying to create one. Somedays I get up early and workout somedays I just barely have the energy. Yes, the kids are up and doing schoolwork. Yes dinner is made most nights but am I learning a new language or even completing projects? LOL Hell No! Yes I touched up some paint and have baked a lot but when I look at some of what people are doing I am mesmorized I’m more tired than normal because a social life does energize me. Going out for coffee with a friend gives me purpose. And I am trying to follow the rules which for me is hard. So I am doing the best I can. I am attending online support groups that think like me when I remember and take action. I even have worked out online which is cool but again different for me.
This is an uncomfortable time. I am not sleeping well and also have many other things I am dealing with so my best is good enough. So if all you did today is eat, feed the kids and snuggle the dog. It is ok this is a trying time both mentally and physically and I want to help but I don’t know how so I stay home and exercise and remember to ignore the chatter and rely on God telling me he is carrying me and this too shall pass.