So we lost one of our grandpa’s last month and I am going through kind of a mid life crisis of sorts. Even though he is out of pain there is still a void. I have realized sitting at home is not the best place for me. My brain needs to be stimulated and I need time outside of the house. As an recovering person to much time with our own thoughts is never good. So I have been changing everything from the meetings I attend to the jobs I am applying for. I am not sure where God wants me but I can tell you how much ego deflation is wrapped up in finding your work after you left a career thinking “oh if I want to go back to work I will find something”. It doesn’t always work that way. There are schedules and experience and new people entering the workforce. It can be overwhelming and it can hit your self esteem after you have been applying for months with no luck. So I am teaching yoga at my kids school and a local studio that should fill up my cup, right? It’s tricky I love being with the kids but am not sure this is the same as brain food lol it is definitely physical movement though and they are so sweet and willing to learn so I know I am helping them for sure which in turn fills another part of my purpose to help others.
This year has been a very trying one for my spirit. At times I literally was steps away from a drink at others God gave me so many signs that I was in his loving hands. My mind has turned back to restlessness and anxiety unfortunately I rarely get breaks from my mind now that I am not working it is relentless. I have tried herbal supplements, meds, but mostly exercise and meditation help the best. I have several people that I got sober with in MI who are no longer in AA and that messes with my head. I often feel different and forgotten amongst the fellowship but I know it is not a social club it is a place to share your experience, strength and hope. AA in recent years with social media etc. can feel clicky to me and I already am a sensitive soul who battles a loud mind telling me people who are my friends are not. So what do I do with that go to meetings with new people who are fresh and have a new perspective for me to hear. Go hang with people who do have time for me. Rely on my husband and sponsor more not just the social side of AA. Being left out is still a defect of mine so I started saying an affirmation “I do not require the opinion or encouragement of others. I always remember who I am and who I want to be-a reflection of Spirit and the example of love.” Maybe if I keep reading it I will start believing it. I am also re-reading Drop the Rock and doing the steps again. I am afterall a work in progress.