So I haven’t taken the time to check in here for awhile. Hello! I missed all of you. Sometimes we have times where we are pulled in many directions that take us away from some of our favorite things, for me writing is one of those. So I will update ya’ll on what is new with me.
The past few years have been full of highs and lows for me. Amongst my family my kids and husband are great but with the pandemic came much change in who was in our life due to various reasons. My sponsor and close friend passed away 2 years ago and I have to be honest it hit me hard. She was a very special gal not just a sponsor but a dear friend and mother figure. Someone I admired. She had become a huge part of my support system. So after she passed I tried to still hit meetings and reach out to other gals. As God always does he connected me with some wonderful spiritual ladies who walked with me during this time but I still felt like something changed and I couldn;t get it back.
In April we took a long overdue vacation to an all inclusive resort and after having an excellent trip our girls got very sick. Not the little sick or even Cov19 sick but a bad gastritis type of infection or bacteria hit them and they ended up physically the sickest they have ever been for 5 days. We had to travel through two airports with them miserably ill. I definitely threw my hands in the air and said “God what are you trying to tell me.” It was pretty instant- “Let go, you cannot control anything my child just let go.” So I did I let go of the shame I had been carrying for the past 40 years. I let go of people projecting things that may or may not happen. I let go of expectations of society to have a house that looks perfect and a life that isn’t messy. I let go of relationships that were not for me and stopped begging people for time. I chose my family and myself.
I also chose that AA taught me alot and those years were very important but what I no longer want to feel is shame for being me or shame for the things I did. I was young and niave also very dependent in unhealthy ways. Now I have exercise, a husband, children, healthy habits and a support system that involves God, keeping myself mentally and physically strong. So I was feeling a little extra empowered and chose to have a half a wine seltzer. In meetings everyone says if you drink you may become a wreck immediately. I always wandered but what if you don’t? What if you are fine and took all of those lessons and experiences and lived a healthy life. Mind you I was in my teens and early 20’s when it was a problem. So I am testing the water. It has been a few months and I am free in a different way. I am completely authentic. I am not afraid. I know God has a plan for my life he always has had one and he wouldn’t let me choose something that would bring chaos to my life.