I could really relate to this. Year number 15 was painful. Sleep deprivation. Grief. Pissed off at the world, yup I said it. I was hangry. I stepped outside of the perfect me and into this person who was trying to be someone I am not. I left a job and found out I had too much time with me. When you are a person in recovery from any sort of addiction your mind is out to get you most days. Sober recovery can suck. You analyze and over think. Add to it- loss of a dog, 2 sets of aging parents in and out of the hospital, insomnia, dealing with PTA board, kid conflicts, and sooner or later you snap. I did not drink because by the grace of God I know meetings help. I know helping others helps. I know being around people who understand me helps. I know signing up for round 2 of PTA would not help. HELL NO! I know teaching kids yoga would help. I know following writing would help. I know crying and moving on does help and cleanses your heart in ways I never knew. Growing up is painful and raising little humans while you are going through pain can trigger all of your own insecurities and FEARS. Sometimes we loose our shit sometimes we just need people to understand us instead of constantly explaining who we are or why we are the way we are. But instead of continuing in this dark place I climbed out with exercise daily for the past 3 months, coffee and bfast with new friends.
Healthy habits brings healthy sleep and mind. I decided the PTA board was a lesson and that there is always that one person that doesn’t get you and you but heads with and that’s ok. I did what I set out to and can feel good about my contribution and cross that off my list. Heading into summer I want nothing more than lazy days at the beach and pool and time to get lost in books and the kids. After learning someone close is dying soon all the other stuff just kind of fades away and you realize how precious life really is and that everyone is really just doing what they can to get by day by day.