This past year I feel lost, somewhat angry at everything and everyone except my kids and hubby. I am restless, irritable and discontent. I have exhibited some old behaviors-the victim, codependency and addictive behaviors. I know that lack of sleep is a big part of it because HALT is never good for anyone in recovery. Balance is key. So now that I have spun out and gotten myself into an uncomfortable spot how do I regain a sense of me. How do I get back on solid footing. Not by trying to get those people who we keep going to who are emotionally unavailable to try to be. They never were to begin with if we truely go back thru our relationships especially if you are a people pleaser usually we did most of the initiating and carrying of the relationship. In hindsight this wasn’t good for me it makes me feel worse never better. We want friends who want to be with us just as much as us with them we want a give and take. We want fun, love, support not begging, force or being needy. However, in todays world of mostly tech based interactions many of us are not getting those intimate, deep kind of friendships so we are slipping into loneliness or depression. I left my job thinking it was the fix. I’d sleep better, hang out with other moms who are home, cook more, garden more etc. And what actually happened was I slept less because now those voices in my head are worse. The job and focus on the job gave my brain mental fatigue and mental discipline. Left to just be home with me, myself and I left my defects, triggers and loneliness to multiply. The sleep has gotten worse I am not sure if it is hormone related or what but I am lucky if I get 4 hours in a row. So what to do with this lost soul. Start the work of uncovering what needs to change. I am functioning, I am sober(barely holding on but I am), I am a good mom-YES, a good wife-Yes, a good friend-hmm used to be but then became to attached and push people away, a woman of God-yes, help others-Yes so back to self improvement and thus comes a book by an author I recently discovered-Dr. Caroline Leaf. She is amazing if you have not heard of her google her. She talks about toxic thinking and how powerful it is. The spiral of you are not good enough they don’t want you. You made a mistake again has been replaying in my head so in comes her book “The Perfect You” at Beall’s Outlet sitting on the shelf ready to jump at me.
It is all about how our unique personality effects everything about us and when we are not in alignment with the best choices for us we can get stuck in bad spaces due to the negative self talk
A midlife crisis is hard on anyone especially someone in recovery. Please be gentle to yourself.
Thank you Ware for coming back and for your support. My defects have been glaring this year taking a job out of the equation made me much more focused on me and I have not acted exactly sober this year. I have been having insomnia too which is never good for a sober person. I am hoping this too shall pass.