For about 6 months now I have been purging. Feelings, relationships, stress, things I know longer want to do, defects that are not good for me. A situation arose about a week ago and I really had to check myself. 1. What were my motives 2. Was I coming from a place of love 3. Why was my interaction met with hostility. So I got to thinking about a book I have read and re-read. The Four Agreements-I get great at this book and then I fall far off the deep end.
We all have our history. Our upbringing. Our DNA and much of our childhood experiences shape who we are, whether those experiences were healthy or not. Unless we had a parent or strong positive role model telling us the right way we may have gotten a skewed vision of life and how interactions and relationships work. In my mind relationships work were 2 people communicate and see eachother or at least speak pretty regularly. I’ll admit I am often drawn to people who do not communicate this way or they once were and aren’t now. Often this makes me question myself. Am I the only one putting forth effort? Am I looking for approval they are never going to give me? Why do I keep getting stuck with people who may not be the best for me. So I push that icky feeling down, the one that says they don’t love you. You are not worth their time. You have no friends and I remind myself of times recently when I had a pleasant friend interaction. Last week at dinner with friends. Another day a friend met me for a lunch mid year. That day I was exhausted and a friend dropped flowers off because my husband was out of town and I was not my best.
So when people take things wrong remember it has nothing to do with you. I no longer try to control people or situations as it never goes well. I accept the time people have to give even if it hurts to be left out of circles or invites. I remind myself God has big things for you and he is ultimately in charge of who my path crosses. I am enough.