My latest god given reminder that I am not alone is the devine coincidence of “Uninvited”, a new book by Lysa Terkeurst jumping off Targets bookshelf and into my hands. I struggle with feelings a lot, yes those darn things still put a cramp in my side and often attempt to derail my progress. Lately, I have been taking a few steps back in relation to feelings. Emotional sobriety is supposed to mean I am mature, together and handle all situations gracefully or at least most of them, NOT. Well maybe on somedays when I have slept, not had too much caffeine and do not have any current festering resentments or conflict in my life. On those days I probably do handle myself like a almost 40 year old gal but on the normal or as I call them “human days” when someone said something that didn’t sit right or I forgot to read my meditation books, or I didn’t eat great or I had too much sugar or coffee, well then I react almost as if I was a 14 year old girl again. This makes friendships and family dynamics tough. Non-recovery people do not always understand the way people in recovery think. We overthink, overanalyze and as someone once told me “We could mess up a free lunch”..ha ha but we are also some of the most giving, loving, kind, sensitive souls if you give us love and patience it is worth it.
Back to the book, although not an recovery book it is a Christian book that focuses on how at different points in our life due to different things we draw away from god and may feel abandoned. This can lead to a feeling of less than in our relationships and listening to our mind instead of our heart where god resides. This can cause ending of romantic love relationships, conflict with friends and family, and an overall feeling I am not good enough. Really what we are starved for is to completely let god take the reigns.
One fav paragraph of the book” If we grasp the full love of Christ, we won’t grab at other things to fill us. Or if we do, we’ll sense it. We’ll feel a prick in our spirit when our flesh makes a frenzied swipe at happiness, compromising clutches for attention, paranoid assumptions with no facts, joyless attempts to one-up someone, and small minded statements of pride.” For me this is all the twelve steps but the bible coincides so beautifully with the big book to me it is all the same. God speaking to me!
I do grab at people and approval still. If I don’t see a friend or family member for months at a time I often think I am unimportant or I get consumed by a game of I never hear from them so why should I reach out. This I know is immature and not of god but I am human and doing the best I can. I also am not meant to carry the world on my shoulders which often I feel I do. So now when I start feeling this I close my eyes and say ” Is this my head or heart”, usually its my head which is telling me lies.
The book spends a lot of time discussing unrealistic expectations and how we rely too much on people to make us feel whole and loved when we should place that trust in god.
So if you are looking for a new read to remind you, you are not that different from the rest fo the world pick up Uninvited you won’t be disappointed.
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